I feel the lack of knowledge, understanding and penis in my life has encouraged me to start an online blog discussing  single life and the agonisingly boring, yet exciting task of online dating.  I have been single now for five years and approaching the end of my twenty’s I get the feeling I am reaching the end of my sell by date or perhaps all the eligible men in this city are already snapped up. I recently started online dating over a freak incident that the guy I was “involved” with cropped up on my friends online dating account and I thought “Are all men just fuck boys?”  I also joined the site in a pathetically immature attempt to cause him some sort of heart ache or perhaps give him a little dent to his pride when he came across my profile.

The first obstacle that I encountered was when creating my profile was my photographs. I didn’t want to use all my Facebook show stoppers; as the chances are I won’t be able to breath in for the entire date! So mental note – lets not edit the stomach. It won’t take my eligible suiter long to realise I have ten chins when I look down and show far to much gum when I smile also.  So a few natural photo’s are a must. I also noticed that a lot of men’s biographies state they don’t like girls with a snapchat filter or duck pout. This automatically diminishes around seventy percent of my photographs.   I chose a mixture of going to the trendy Glasgow clubs – to smiling at Ocean beach – to standing proudly in Central Park. Showing my versatility here- I am well travelled. This also shows (according to google) that I will appear interesting, fun and that financially I have my shit together.

The first app I download enables you pick random questions rather than a full screed about yourself to move forward to the matches. In the back of my mind I’m thinking I want these questions to reflect a happy, laid back – funny person and I’ll leave my psychotic traits for perhaps date two or three to start shining through.

Straight away I pick three random questions; One of which-

“Your fav fact” – to which I replied-

“ If a panda gets struck with lightning the black and white colours reverse”.
(At the time of writing this I did think this fact was true and it does relay the message that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet).

This fun fill fact has got to get the D flying in? Right? Oh and believe me it did….

Swiping.

There I was filtering my way through the dating world swiping left and right, feeling empowered but judgemental as fuck. Nah, too short. Oh nice, but shit job. Nice … nice … bald no. I’m acting as if I’m Kendal Jenner with the pick of the bunch but behind this phone I am sitting in my stained pj’s, smelling of body odour with a hairy top lip that resembles more Caitlin Jenner than Kendal.

It’s pretty easy to establish the fuck boys (or so I thought) – one section asks; 

“What are you looking for?”

Note to self: If you say fun or open minded then – no pal your looking for sex. You have probably shagged your way through Facebook and Instagram and now expanding your search criteria to this app.  Although damn… some of they fuck boys are hot-  I found myself questioning there real intentions but here’s the thing – we are all judging one another so I am sticking to my original assumptions of they just want sex… I don’t!

I had a few messages from a few guys but nothing that kept my attention span long enough until one messaged me about the accuracy of my panda fact. He got my attention with his kind of dick-ish reply not believing my fact (and quite rightly so) and although I told him to google research it he replied that the “fact” is mentioned  in the search domain however, he questions the creditably of the source. He then proceeded to tell me his favourite animal fact and we began chatting.  We immediately started messaging back and fourth and quickly exchanged numbers. From his photographs I definitely felt like the better looking candidate but I quite liked that- a slight down grade is totally acceptable if they treat you  and right and perhaps they will be more grateful of your company. We arranged a date pretty quickly and here it was – my first online dating experience.

The Date.

Finding the perfect date outfit appears to be an operation it itself.  You want to appear sexy but not slutty. Keen but not too keen. I opted for black leather leggings and black bodysuit with a white shirt over the bodysuit. Very Sandy from Grease- bend over and show off a bit of boobs but not too much. Do you shave the legs/vag though?  Surely I wont have sex with a guy I have just met? But what if I fall head over heels and I really want to? I’ll shave it more for personal comfort! That’s what I told myself.

He picks me up in his car- damn, nice car, good start.  Not a complete catfish although he was a lot skinnier than his photographs.  I mean, I am not fat but I certainly was chubbier than him. My initial thought was to go to the gym this week if I go on top of this guy I’ll cause some sort of injury to his little body. Initially he seemed quiet and I was carrying the conversation to start with. After a few gin cocktails the conversation began flowing and I found myself enjoying his company.  I had absolutely NO idea if he felt the same. We shared a few lingering stares and he laughed a lot at my jokes and he suggested towards the end of the night if I wanted to go to elsewhere- we walked to another pub and he offered me his jacket- nice manners, result.

He paid for all drinks the entire evening which is a massive turn on for me.  Not only because I’m always skint but I also believe it sets a  good first impression of old school chivalry.  Who doesn’t love a gentleman?  The pubs were closing and we headed outside.  I suddenly felt nervous, were we going to kiss? There was undeniable sexual tension in the air- he approached me and said that he really enjoyed the date and didn’t want it to end.  I felt the same.  He then invited me back to his house for a drink. And bingo,  there it was the FUCKBOY vibes started tingling.  But unfortunatly so did the old vagina… and when it’s between my head and the vag there will only be one winner!

We headed back to his in a taxi keeping to our own side and only having small chat.  I did wonder if he even fancied me? I checked my phone to a million messages from the group chat asking if I was OK.  For a split second I did realise I was going to a strangers house and was not the safest way to spend a Wednesday evening.  I sent my location to my friends on WhatsApp and they responded “Do NOT have sex.”
By this point I was sobering up and I did think OK, you like him.  Don’t ruin it.  Be classy.  I wasn’t going to have sex but a kiss and cuddle would be nice.

We approached his home and yes, it was really nice.  Why haven’t I tried online dating before because this cunt seems to have the whole package!  The house was in a secluded area in the middle of no where but inside was certainly lived in and I could tell he hadn’t expected company back to his, which, I somehow managed to spin in my head as a positive- he didn’t seem to go out looking for his hole tonight – therefore maybe he’s more deserving of it now?

I sat on the couch and he made us both drinks and joined me.  We soon began kissing,  it took him a while to get his little turtle mouth into my kissing routine but, hey, he got there.  He then began feeling my ass – OK I don’t mind that I thought.  It felt quite nice actually. The kissing started steaming up a bit and before I knew it he was on top of me kissing aggressively.  I must admit I was giving as good as I got and our kissing and lip biting was certainly hotting up.  He started  pushing his hands down the back of my leggings and feeling my ass tightly – I looked up and said-
“This is nice but we’re not going to have sex”.  Complete cock tease I know. He nodded in agreement as if the thought hadn’t crossed his mind.
We continued to kiss- he was feeling my bum whilst we were kissing and I could feel he was aroused.  It took all my might not feel how big he was.  He began moving his hands lower down my ass right to the back between my legs and he popped open my body suit.  The body suit jumped up a bit and I was about to stop him again when he spoke.

“How long have you had this on for?”

Wow, I wasn’t expecting that question and it took me by surprise.  I automatically felt defensive – Shit, is my body suit dirty? Can he smell me? I mean, I’m pretty wet but that’s normal, isn’t it? I took my time the cogs turning in my head and responded confidently whilst still kissing him and asked.
“A few hours, why?”  My response seemed to please him as he pulled it up from my stomach holding the front half of the body suit at the gusset.  He smiled at me and stared at it for a couple of seconds; he then began sniffing it uncontrollably and after about a good thirty second sniff he began sucking my gusset!!!

WHAT THE FUCK! He was really going for it too and I sat there staring at him waiting for some sort of reaction.  He wasn’t even giving me the sexy eyes he was before, he was in his own little bubble , just him and my bodysuit.  His eyes were rolling back like a possessed demon; he was sucking the life out my body suit and at one point I wondered if I’d loose a button.  I let him finish and called a taxi.

Is this the stage of my life I have entered? Is this fetish something which is considered normal now? My first online date seemed to have highs and lows. I enjoyed his company and we seemed to get on really well.  But could I put up with someone wanting to sniff my gusset for the rest of my life? I may have only been out for a few hours that night, but after a twelve hour shift it surely wouldn’t be as pleasant to sniff?  I thought of situations on the journey back home where it could perhaps work if I could hide my under wear before realising it was all too much for me.  On the bright side, I didn’t have to wash the body suit the following morning-  it certainly had a good clean!

But back to the app for me filtering out the panty sniffers and to carry on the quest to meet my prince charming. Wish me luck!