As lockdown continued so did my pathetically sad, single life. Phase four struck suddenly, and I found myself home alone with nothing but Pornhub and dating sites for company. I had the regular customers sliding into my DM’s, the ones who caught my eye for a day or two before I got bored or they said something so icky that I stopped replying instantly. There was absolutely no one with decent chat worth speaking to for more than a day at a time. With no real prospects of actual human contact anytime soon either, I was depressed and unmotivated. I felt lazy and completely tired of men and all their bullshit. I wondered at times if I even needed one? Or if searching for a hassle-free orgasm would be more sufficient. Maybe ditching Tinder and Hinge altogether and placing an ad in ‘Gumtree’ would be more beneficial to me?

Local single girl lonely and seeking a tall, handsome male with a fairly strong tongue who will come to her home- lick her fanny and leave. No speaking or niceties involved. Disclaimer: She will not have sex with you as she is now so overweight from lockdown; it remains unsafe for her to mount a horse, let alone a person.

Even then the thought of getting out of my bed and actually having to wash for someone would be an effort as I sat endlessly in my scrawny little sexless dungeon craving some male attention… or any attention for that matter.

I was a week into ‘Lockdown 2’ when one of my regular Insta sliders sent me a message.

Hey, how’s you? I thought I saw you today I should have popped out the van and said hi? x

How desperate, I immediately thought only liking the comment. There was no way he saw me as the only time I moved from my bed was to pee and collect my Monster Munch breakfast. Later that night, I decided to do a hard search of this guy and find out some background info, and to my delight, he was not as creepy as I initially thought.

His name was Mike; he was 5ft 11, two kids, recently divorced and lived just outside the city. He worked as a joiner, but the more time I spent examining his pictures, the more I questioned why I had been ignoring this hot hunk of spunk? 

He had blonde hair, piercing bright blue eyes and a lovely set of Turkish specials. However, a few posts had me on the fence as he was in his work gear and I scrutinised the look of his body-hugging combats, wondering if I could forgive such a fashion statement. I sat back on the couch with my flaky, grey rooted hair scraped into a bun and fishy-smelling PJ bottoms which still sported pot noodle juice from a few days prior and decided to reply. Before I knew it the conversation got flowing and I began chuckling to his cheeky, Glasgow banter.

The following morning, I woke up to that ‘good morning’ text, that every girl likes to see. He was working a few streets down, and for the first time in weeks, I participated in some level of self-care to take several over-filtered selfies and fish for compliments the entire day. My cunning plan worked a treat, and before I knew it, Mike and the rest of the fans were sending the usual DM’s of “oooft, absolutely stunning!” etc. This time, however, there was only one set of eyes I wanted to please. 

That night, Mike and I were texting back and forth religiously. We were flirty, full of post lockdown plans and dreams. Then, unexpectedly he sent an unasked-for dick pic as he was “thinking of me in the shower.” I mean, under normal circumstances that would have been it. Over. Finito. 

But his dick was remarkable, so beautiful and long. I wasn’t sure if it was the fact I hadn’t seen one in so long or if his had its own radiating glow from it. It turned me on that much that I had this unexpected wave of horniness, I wanted him, and I wanted him now!

Before I knew it, I was scrubbing my arsehole and shaving my minge like Sweeny Todd on speed. I was taking no chances. I couldn’t allow this hottie to getaway, not tonight! Within the hour, Mike had arrived at my door holding bottles of Barefoot and Sambuca! I sneaked him in the back door like I was smuggling Anne Frank terrified of what my neighbours would think. Holy fuck! Time for some drunk fun tonight. I poured us some drinks, and he was every bit as cheeky as he was in his texts. He made sexual innuendos repeatedly and raised his eyebrow seductively after each one waiting for a response. His blonde hair was thick and incredibly fair for a Scottish male. I couldn’t help but think his roots were better cared for than my own. But even so, the drunker we were getting, the closer he was becoming. I began to notice a light touch of his hand on mine, and the classic yawn pitch, finding a way to wrap his arm around me discreetly. And then… finally he went in for the kiss. We began snogging passionately, his tongue caressing mine and the taste of strong aniseed lingering in our drool. He was running his hands through my greasy hair, and I felt my heart pound as fast as my clit. He stopped for a few seconds as we smiled at one another. He took my hand and lifted it on his rock-hard dick.

 “Do you like that?” Fucking hell… it was ginormous, I nodded in agreement.

 “I love it! It’s so big.” I replied, giggling like a teenager.

“Do you wanna see it?” He muttered proudly.

“Ok,” I replied, biting my lip trying desperately to be as sexy as I could.

 There it was, with a tug of his grey joggers- Nessie had finally been located. It stood up so proudly to attention. So perfect. I had genuinely never seen a nicer cock in my life. My eyes expanded, wondering how I got so lucky, why the fuck would any woman divorce this? I thought.

 “Do you want to give him a kiss?” He smiled, placing my small hand on top of him.

I mean, not particularly, but I suppose he did bring the alcohol, I thought.

 “If you can manage to go down on it, that is?” He added cheekily.

 And with that remark, the challenge was accepted, and I wilfully knelt to my knees and began sucking and choking on his tanned banana. There I was trying my best to devour his penis. My head was bopping up and down as the room spun with the immense alcohol volume, I consumed in such a little time. He seemed to enjoy it as I stared up at him, grunting for joy as he ran his large, tough hands through my hair. After a few minutes of finding my rhythm, he began getting more turned on and rougher as he wrapped my hair around his fingers and started fucking my face. I stopped any sooking technique terrified I’d lose a tooth and allowed him to use my mouth for a tunnel briefly feeling tears stream down my face.

 “I can’t believe you can go so far down on me, no one can.” He panted.

 I saw this as somewhat a drunken challenge as I began to stuff even more of his sausage down my throat in a bid to show off and please him.

“Jesus Christ! You are fucking amazing,” he yelled.

Again, with my body convulsing, begging me to stop, the Sambuca and Zinfandel took over, and I kept on telling myself to gag down to his ball sack.

 But then, I felt a warm liquid expel at my throat, fuck, he’s came already!! Too much to soon for the poor bastard- he probably couldn’t handle me, I thought. I don’t blame him. I really did go the extra mile. While I pulled away releasing his one-eyed dragon from my cave, I moved back with a seductive grin on my face, slowly wiping the cum around my lips. I could see Mike’s face go from pure ecstasy to utter disgust. I glanced down to his cummy mess to find the floor saturated in vomit. My vomit. He hadn’t came; after all, my stomach had. I ignored all the warnings, and like the exorcist, I spewed all over his dick.

I stood to attention as he jumped back and pulled his boxers up quickly.

 “I’m sorry!” He broke the silence.

 “No, I’m sorry.” I insisted.

After, an awkward chat, while I mopped up my earlier Uber eats from the floor, Mike called a taxi and headed home. I lay on top of my bed feeling mortified, intoxicated and seedy as fuck. I opened my phone, and still, the usual culprits had slid back into my mailbox. 

I began to think of the cyber city we are a part of now, so much choice at only a drop of a button, perhaps, that was why I was still single? Perhaps, it would be nicer only to have one option once in a while- I did know something though, I was choking to get out of this lockdown!