My Christmas past like any other day for me and I remained single, unfit with an overwhelming amount of embarrassment and fear from my Christmas party rendezvous still hanging over me. I kept my head down and participated in all aspects of “Dry January” – both my liver and vagina remained as dry as Subo’s fanny as I finally began to shake off my fear. My quest to find Mr. Right was at a complete standstill and I, for the first time of my life felt distracted, unhappy and unfulfilled. I spent January staying in and finding myself again; but perhaps in hindsight, I spent it hiding away from social media and from my Sugar Daddy.

The night I came home from my Christmas night out I humiliated myself further by inviting Sugar Daddy down to my house. We then proceeded to have filthy sex and I came to the realisation that allowing two men to enter my vagina in the same twenty four hour period was something I morally couldn’t condone. Would I need to hire a PA to schedule a booking system for my vagina? What had my life come too? I needed space, I needed time away, I needed an STI check, I needed… A fucking HOLIDAY!!

My friends supported me regardless of my slutty lifestyle and worried about me when I explained how I was feeling. A few of the girls arranged time off work and we were all in agreeance that Tenerife was the ideal break away for some winter sun. With only a few days warning I managed to round up the old Ibiza classic swim-suits that I surprisingly still managed to fit into after matching my Christmas dietary intake with Gemma Collins and packed for a much needed time away with the girls.

We arrived in Tenerife and we were greeted by the hot humidity and instantaneously my mood lifted. January was finally over and I needed a drink! The group headed out for dinner that first night and within a couple of hours my wandering eye and lustful fanny began twitching at some of the hot Spanish waiters and I slowly began feeling like myself again. I hadn’t been online dating since Christmas and I contemplated downloading tinder whilst away but I was constantly reminded that I was here to get away from dicks and not to attract them. We headed back to the hotel that evening after a few cocktails to take the rest of the holiday as easy and relaxed as that first night.

The next day we were relaxing at the beach when a rep for one of the clubs came over and started chatting to us. She explained how their club reopening was tonight and she would get us in for free with a few bottles of prosecco on arrival if we showed face for an hour. The rep explained that they were all dressing up and we could do as well so we rushed to the mall for some last-minute costume ideas. Getting ready for a dressed up night out was hilarious, our group ranged from a slutty Donald Trump to the guy from Kiss, to a slutty cowgirl and my sexy nurse costume.

We looked the part and felt great. The club was extremely busy and lively and as promised we had a booth waiting for us with cheap Prosecco. There was another group dressed up and the atmosphere in the club was great. A short time into the night a large crowd of about twelve men came into the club, they were from London and one by one they got hotter and hotter. One, in particular, caught my eye, he was around six ft six, very dark-skinned and dressed immaculately. He scanned the club when he entered and I couldn’t help but notice we continuously made eye contact towards one another. The more drinks I was knocking back the more my confidence was returning and I eventually walked past him giving him the “fuck me” smolder. I stood at the bar and he walked behind me and said;

“You know, I’ve always had a thing for nurses.”

I laughed and dismissively replied,

“Is that right.”

As soon as he heard the Scottish accent he was like a fucking moth to a flame. He was a football player from London and we hit it off immediately. He was hot. So fucking hot. His arms were covered in tattoos and he had good ladish patter. I couldn’t help but wonder if his dick matched his long muscular frame. I had never been with anyone so dark-skinned but it had always been my fantasy. He cooly sat with his hands on my waist as I spoke and every time an R’n’B song played he serenaded me whispering the lyrics in my ear. Normally that would make me run for the Spanish volcanic hills but there was something about his cockney accent and confidence that turned me on and I decided to head back to his hotel that night. I explained to the girls I was heading home with this hot athlete and they anonymously agreed that opportunities like this rarely exist and I should fucking go for it… and I intended too.

We approached the taxi rank hand in hand with my tiny PVC dress chaffing and squeaking along my thighs as my groin was getting hotter and wetter with the thought of this sexy bastard about to enter. We drove in the taxi for about ten minutes and pulled up outside a large modern hotel. He walked outside first and held my door open like a gentleman. As we entered the lobby he cooly waved over to the receptionist so calmly, I was in awe. Maybe they knew he was? I felt like I was holding hands with a celebrity (but really I had no idea who he was).

His room was large with the most beautiful scenic view of the Sea, he had a self-made bar with a large variety of alcohol to choose from. I started to pour some vodka and he approached me from behind and pinned me against the wall. His tongue began entering in and out my mouth as if he was teasing me for what was about to happen between my legs. His hand roughly rummaging through my hair occasionally pulling it. Jesus, Mary, and Joesph I was in heaven. He began to unloosen his jeans cheekily smiling, staring at me like I was about to be pleased. WOW. His boxers were standing to attention like a tent post.

His dick was almost touching my chin and I was standing upright. It most definitely belonged in porn- but tonight… it belonged in me.

He slowly began kissing me but all I could think of was the growing python throbbing between us. I put out my hand to feel his humungous rod as his lips were brushing against my mouth again and again. He pulled my pants to the side and his huge hands slowly started sliding inside me. I was in a bubble and my heart was pounding in excitement when suddenly we were interrupted by an almighty chap at the door.

What the fuck? I thought. He jumped.

“Who is it? For fuck’s sake?” He aggressively shouted in his cheeky English accent.

Oh… his aggressive tone turned me on, even more, I was soaking wet.

“Open now, Sir, Open”. A Spanish voice returned. He looked puzzled. And headed towards the door curious and frustrated with an almighty erection.

The Spanish receptionist was standing with two security guards. Holy fuck what had he done? I thought. Maybe he has been caught with drugs? Or maybe he hasn’t paid his bill? My head was questioning all the things that could warrant this level of intrusion when the worker shouted.

“No prostitutes in the Hotel, Sir!! She has to leave!” He gestured his hand at me.I was stunned. I was shocked. But I couldn’t speak. Luckily my date replied for me;

“Mate, she’s not a fucking prostitute. She’s Scottish.” “No Sir, she needs to leave now.” He replied.

The two security guards entered the room and one picked up my bag while the other ushered me to the door. Was I really being escorted out of the hotel? I was so confused and embarrassed. What the fuck was happening. He offered to come home with me but I declined. I was mortified and by this point and wanted home. I caught a glimpse of myself in his bathroom mirror as I walked out of his door, there was no denying it, I did indeed look like a prostitute. How was I going to get home? What if anyone sees me being thrown out of the hotel like this? How did I miss out on the biggest cock I have ever seen. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Instead, I walked clip-clopping down the marble stairs feeling stunned and humiliated. I looked back to my hot date who had his oversized sticky hands on his head and looked just as disappointed as me.

I stood out in the humid Spanish air, flagged down a taxi and headed back to my hotel. I was home before my friends and when they eventually strolled in with kebabs and chips I informed them of my eventful night. For the first time in months, we laughed and laughed. Just us girls and the memory of the huge cock that got away. I went back to the club the following night and never managed to find him again. I did know one thing though, I was back. Bring on the boys.